Buffy's nose wrinkled as she watched Faith prepare her sandwich but she knew better than to say anything. If she did Faith would just insist she tried some, to prove how good it was, and she couldn't stomach that again.
"So nothing happened?" she checked.
Faith finished squeezing barbeque sauce over both slices of bread – apparently it was better than butter. "Told ya you were paranoid, B. Ken and I went to the post office to file my forms, stopped by the seven-eleven and then came straight back here and we didn't see any sign of him or any demons."
"I'm happier with you thinking I'm paranoid than with him grabbing you when we're not expecting it."
"I don't think he's gonna grab me."
"And I think he's waiting until we believe that to grab you."
Faith opened the bag of Tangy Cheese Doritos and began laying them thickly over the slices of bread. "Ken thinks he don't want the mess of me giving birth so he's gonna wait."
"Since when do you listen to Kennedy?"
"Only when it fits with my own theory. Can you hand me the mustard?"
Buffy took the yellow squeezy bottle out of the fridge and tested its temperature in her hand. "Want me to put it in the freezer compartment for a minute?"
If the mustard wasn't really cold it made Faith sick. Go figure, considering mustard was hot in the first place . . . and what went into the rest of the sandwich.
Faith took the bottle between finger and thumb and gauged it. "No, it's about right." She squirted some onto one slice of bread, over the Doritos.
"So what's your theory? Want me to cut the pineapple for you?"
Faith passed it over. "That he's going to wait until the kid is six months old and then take me to court."
Buffy took out their sharpest knife and began to cut the pineapple into rings. "Why six months?"
"Figure he'll travel easier then. If Troy plans to whisk him away to Greece he'll be easier at six months than as a newborn. Besides, if he took me now he knows he'd have a dozen slayers following his ass."
"He'd have several hundred more than that." Buffy had sliced four rings of pineapple and now she carefully cut the rind off of each of them. "And what does he think is going to happen if he waits six months? That we're suddenly going to lose interest?"
Faith glanced at her as she dropped a liberal amount of chilli-nuts onto one half of the sandwich so that they stuck in the gloopy yellow mustard. "Would you?"
"No." Buffy pushed most of the pineapple slices towards Faith, keeping one. "Doesn't matter if he strikes tomorrow or ten years from now, he'll bring the whole slayer force down on his head."
Faith placed the three pineapple rings carefully onto one side of her sandwich. "Might not be enough to stop him."
"I've been thinking about that," Buffy said as she put the mustard back into the fridge. "I know he's immortal but what if twenty slayers set on him at once – fifteen to hold him down and five to chop him into little pieces?"
"Well, I figure if we chop him into enough pieces and then bury them far apart, even if he doesn't die he won't be bothering us for a while."
"Immortal or not, B, you chop him into that many pieces I think he'd be dead!"
Buffy shrugged, "So much the better."
"I don't want to kill him!"
Buffy took a second to answer, using the dishcloth to wipe up some spilled barbeque sauce while she calmed herself down. "Why not?"
"We've been over this."
They had, several times, but Buffy still didn't understand where Faith was coming from. Troy dead was the only chance they had of hoping to live a normal life. Otherwise it really didn't matter if he pounced tomorrow or ten years from now, they would always be looking over their shoulder for him.
Faith put the two halves of her sandwich together and squashed it down. "I'm not killing my boy's dad."
Buffy started to bite her lip, she wanted to suck her thumb too for comfort but refrained, "I thought I was . . . his dad."
"No, you're his Buffy, his other Mom, the person he grows up knowing is on his side no matter what. You're going to be his parent, B, but you can't be his dad."
"I see." She picked up her slice of pineapple to nibble on, trying to feign indifference. "So Troy is still going to get to be his dad?"
"Troy is his dad! I'm not happy about it, I'd much rather this kid was biologically ours, but he ain't and I don't want to have to tell the brat ten years from now that we deliberately kept him away from his father, or that we killed him! Because, trust me, that will screw him up and I think you know this is one kid we can not afford to screw up."
Faith had a point. Considering the prophecies regarding Troy's son's future, it was up to Faith - and her - to do everything they could to make his childhood as healthy and balanced as possible. But even letting Troy into the mix on a peripheral basis . . .?
"Okay, so he gets to live. It's not really a problem anyway. There is no way he's getting anywhere near you ever!"
"You can't know that for definite, B."
"Yes I can. Now finish that sandwich and come with me, I'm taking you to bed."
"Seriously? I'm nine months preggo." Faith grinned as she took a giant bite of her sandwich.
"Good point." Buffy's nose wrinkled. "Ditch the sandwich! We might not have much time."
Faith laughed at her, "I'm finishing my sandwich."
"Fine. I'll be in the bedroom, naked. We have to make the most of tonight, Effie. Tomorrow's my birthday and you know no good can come of that!"
Faith's laughter followed her out of the kitchen. "I'll be there in sec. And tomorrow's gonna be awesome. It's gonna break the crappy birthday mould. Just wait."
Buffy wished she could hope for that, but after - what was it now, ten evil birthdays in a row? - she doubted it. Okay, so last year hadn't been so bad, but the hope that Faith would carry her off in an alley again was non-existent. She could barely carry the sandwich she was eating!
Which reminded her, "Brush your teeth before you come to bed!"
"Sure thing, B. I'll brush my teeth now and then finish my sandwich in bed. You still naked?"
Could someone please remind her why she loved this infuriating woman so much?
Faith walked, no, waddled into the room a minute later, shedding clothes at a mile a minute and with her gigantic sandwich shoved in her mouth – how it wasn't dropping ingredients as fast as she was dropping trou was a secret only Faith knew the answer to!
"I'm here, babe."
"Lose your sandwich."
"Lose your attitude."
Buffy took in her girlfriend's full (enormous) figure, looking her up and down with a leer – how could anyone the size of Balthazar look so damn sexy still?
"Are you sure you need all those extra calories?"
"I'm eating for two."
"You're eating for five."
"I'm gonna kick your ass!"
"A pre-birthday gift?" Buffy finished undressing, which basically meant pulling her panties slowly down her legs. "Bring it on, baby. If you can!"
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